Coping with Un-Cope-Able Parents, Loving Action for Eldercare Coping with Un-Cope-Able Parents, Loving Action for Eldercare

The Caregiver’s Three Friends

We have just come out of the fabricated commercialism of Valentine’s Day.  I urged you to remember that the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.  Now, it is Family Day weekend in many parts of Canada.  As I so often declare:  “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”.

Never is this truer than when contending with grueling eldercare.  In my experience, three types of friends were particularly helpful.

The Organizer

When you are feeling overwhelmed by demands flying at you from every direction…  This is the friend who consistently turns the mess into logic.  They receive your endless laundry list of chores undaunted.  If anything, they view it as rather of a challenge to transform everything you just spilled out into a perfectly-organized sequence.  Think, the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tales and Rumplestiltskin spinning straw into gold.  Modern day, think The Project Manager.

The Doer

When you could crawl under the covers because what’s on your plate is so not in your wheelhouse…  This is the friend who doesn’t wait to be asked how they can help.  They avoid the well-intended but classic error of saying: “Let me know if there’s anything you need.”  The burdened caregiver doesn’t know!  Instead, they grocery shop or bring over several nights of dinners while you take Un-cope-able Mom or Dad to appointments because they insist on you.

The (Emotional) Champion

When you want to curl into a ball and cry your eyes out (whether a woman or man)…  This is the friend who is truly there for you.  You genuinely feel comfortable calling them at the proverbial midnight hour when in dire straits.  You won’t hear two seconds into your woes: “Oh that reminds me of the time my parents ___.”  Quite the opposite!  This person’s unique genius is to intuitively know the exactly-right words you need to hear in that moment.  It’s about you.

Take an Inventory

For certain, had it not been for my special close friends I could call on day and night (and did), I’m not convinced this horrendous chapter of life would have been survived.

Undoubtedly, there are other types of supporters besides those mentioned here.  In fact, I hope so!  For now, I firmly believe it will be time well-spent to identify your own Inner Circle.  It does not have to include hundreds.  Even a half-dozen folks will be substantive in assisting you to get through.

A Reminder: When you book your confidential Readiness Session with me at https://www.copingwithuncopeableparents.com/book-my-readiness-session/ you are taking the first step toward having another champion on your team.

“I Moved Home to be a Burden”

I quote.  Yes, this was precisely the proud declaration uttered by an outwardly-pleasant aging mother whose crevice-ridden face told the truth of a nasty and miserable inner nature.  Even I was stunned by the non-apology.

Picture me striving to enjoy a milestone birthday.  You know, for someone empathetic and intuitive, there is really no such thing as a holiday.  My journal attached to my hip almost 24/7, my desired non-verbal request for privacy was apparently not a deterrent to folks bringing their woes while striving to enjoy a productive adult beverage!

Don’t Think This Could Be You?

Sure, Mom was ‘treating’ her two beleaguered daughters to the travels.  Let us be clear about the terms and conditions of paying their way, though.  The price was heavy.  Practically no time for themselves.  At her beck and call.  Constantly stressed.  How restored do you think they were by the trip’s end?  Try depleted.  All I know is how profoundly I was struck by the aging population of North America (never mind globally).  We are in a CRISIS, people.

Prepare For This Being You!

Up sidles Daughter #1 to the bar.  It turns out she is not the primary caregiver but instead handles Mom’s banking.  It’s really when I meet Daughter #2 that I learn the fuller state of their affairs.  Yup, this one closer to my age is what I constantly call The Responsible One.  Those with siblings, admit it.  You relate!  If you’re reading this, you’re probably the one Mom and/or Dad always turned to (and still does) to stick handle the delicate family drama and trauma.

When It Happens, What Will You Do?

Fast forward to a conversation this week.  Suffice it to say, this lady has been there, done it and gotten more T-shirts than she cares to count.  If she could speak into this blog, she would let you know.  Before entering the eldercare marathon, she wondered what all the ‘fuss’ was about.  Now she deeply understands how ill-prepared she was for the NIGHTMARE of attending her mother and other aging relatives.  Sadly, she represents the growing norm.

Why These Themes Now?

Even though not everyone has what I call an Un-cope-able Parent like this traveling mother (thank goodness), let me leave you with some reflections:

  • Even if your folks are perfectly healthy right now, do you actually believe this will be the case forever? Think again.
  • In fact, if they have always been pleasant and cooperative, I worry for you. Unlike those who grew up with crotchety parents, you especially will be shocked when they turn.
  • Only The Conscious Caregiver has the foresight – and courage – to take matters into your hands NOW before it is too late. Please check out my weekly radio show at boldbravemedia.com/shows/the-conscious-caregiver and catch up on the archives.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, stay tuned for extra ideas on how to navigate the occasion while staying true to you.

What Will You Keep-Stop-Start This Year?

Yes, you continue to catch me in a feisty mood while proving why New Year’s Resolutions fail 90% of the time.  On my weekly program called “The Conscious Caregiver” at www.boldbravemedia.com we dedicated a whole show to this theme.

So that you truly experience a successful year (as YOU define it), I invite you to join me in applying a highly-useful format.  Keep-Stop-Start has proven a great way to lay out deliberately-chosen Intentions.  I’m at year 19 of using the method.

Keep

As you identify at least three positive eldercare accomplishments from 2018 (“Releasing the Past Eldercare Year” blog), you have some keepers to maintain going forward.  For instance, what is one mindset you found especially productive around even stubborn elders?  Was it patience or perseverance or another quality?  The North American mentality especially devalues states of being that must necessarily work hand-in-glove with our actions.

Stop

In fact, changed external circumstances start with our inner attitude.  BEING precedes DOING.  You may have noticed some mindsets that didn’t support you or your folks.  If frustration or annoyance showed up anywhere, they would go on your Stop list.  If you learned that trying to force your resistant parents into “my way or the highway” decisions was not effective, then how about not banging your head against a wall and instead trying something different?

Start

Based on your reflections – and what you’re learning about crafting what you do WANT – identify some new attitudes and behaviors you plan to enact in the coming 12 months.  I find it essential to not overwhelm myself.  Remember: A Laundry List is typical of New Year’s Resolutions.  How about you select ONE Keep, ONE Stop and ONE start to begin?  That’s the Being.  For the Doers out there, I accord you FIVE main actions you choose to focus on.

What Comes After This?

To gain some additional inspiration, check out my book, Coping with Un-cope-able Parents: LOVING ACTION for Eldercare at https://www.copingwithuncopeableparents.com/shop/

It spells out 12 Keys to Success that combine Being plus Doing.  The six LOVING Attitudes are: Laughter; Openness; Vibration; Intention; Neutrality; Grace.  The six Focused ACTION’s are: Advocate; Clarify; Trust; Initiate; Observe; iNnovate.  May the dozen give you inspiration to confirm your own Keep-Stop-Start intentions for 2019.  I am sending you positive energy!

 

 

Releasing the Past Eldercare Year

Last week, we confirmed that 4 of 5 people will have thrown in the towel on their New Year’s Resolutions by March 1st.  Care to know another reason why?  They’re missing a key step.

It’s called: “Getting Complete by Releasing the Past”.  What do I mean by that phrase?  Whether you hooted and hollered your way across the threshold of 2019 or acknowledged the departure of 2018 with quietude, how much time did you spend reflecting upon the past 12 months?  That’s what we’re going for today.

What Didn’t Work?

In North American style, did you rub your hands with glee that another annual cycle with your crazy-making folks was ‘survived’?  Now you can begin with a blank slate.  Not so fast!  Isn’t it Einstein who said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”?  If you fail to carefully examine what didn’t go so well in your aging parent relationship, how is it that you believe this year will somehow be different?  We call that magic.

What Did Work?

To seize back the reins of self-empowerment, it’s vital that you spend some moments itemizing even three things that didn’t work.  What feelings were opposite to what you hoped for?  I might guess they included frustration, anger or possibly sadness.  Yes, this is rough but worth it in the long run.  At the same time, it’s critical to document what you did achieve.  What three caregiving accomplishments are you most proud of?  Kudos to you for being willing to look!

What Lessons Did You Learn?

Then there’s this provocative one.  As you record last year’s wins plus disappointments, you will have learned some things along the way, right?  I personally roll up my monthly journals into 5 to 7 key lessons.  The good news is, you don’t need to extract so many!  How about we again go for three?  These will translate into true Intentions I will help you set next time.  They will be founded on you do WANT to occur – not a burdensome list of SHOULD.  Right?

What Is Next?

Until then, I urge you to keep thinking about your positive WHY for shifting (i.e., maintaining your health, safe-guarding your other relationships and sustaining your work whether employed or entrepreneurial).

As well, you may want to catch the inaugural episode of my new radio show season.  The theme was “A New Caregiving Year”.  Listeners learned how to distinguish typical Resolutions from powerful Intentions at https://www.spreaker.com/user/bbm_global_network/conscious-care-giver-show-26

Is 2019 Your Year to Stop Your Eldercare Frustration?

Do you burn tons of energy “psyching up” to deal with your impossible aging parents but still feel like pulling out your hair?  Do you regularly clamp down on what you really want to say to the difficult duo?  Are you physically and emotionally exhausted by them?

In this brand new year, you get to determine how the next 365 days will go.  Are you genuinely ready to release those mindsets?  To get clear, you need to honestly answer three vital questions.

Is Your Motivation a “Should” or a Want?

Curious why 4 of 5 people will break the promises they set on December 31st and 90% will have thrown in the towel by March 1st?  New Year’s Resolutions DON’T work!  The eldercare version of eating better and exercising more is: “I should call and/or visit more often, not be so impatient and try to understand them better”.  Feeling jazzed?  Not if you have annoying folks!  That’s because resolutions are often based on what we “should” do – not what we WANT.

Do You Truly Seek to Change Your Relationship?

Of course you wish you enjoyed better parental interactions!!  How could I be so “silly” as to ask?  For one, 33% of resolution-breakers weren’t even committed to their goals out of the gate.  Second, did you realize you’re obtaining an energetic “boost” from all that negativity?  Don’t I know it!  On my worst days, I complained to 10-plus friends!  Is there a hidden part of you who basks in sympathy and doesn’t frankly wish to change that dynamic?

What Will You Focus On This Year?

You may be aware we each have 60,000 to 75,000 thoughts per day.  Via the Laws of Attraction, we draw to us whatever we concentrate upon.  Return to the gym analogy: If we think often enough of not wanting to be “fat”, we create the very conditions to stay “fat”.  Over to unruly elders: If you consistently send out “vibes” about not wanting to feel so frustrated, it’s not hard to picture what you’ll get back.  More reasons to feel frustrated, right?

If You Are Ready for 2019 to be Different…

To get out from underneath self-punishing New Year’s Resolutions traps and into willingly-chosen Intentions, it’s essential to find a positive WHY for shifting.

That could include: maintaining your precious health; safe-guarding your key relationships with your partner, children or friends.  As an employee or entrepreneur, it’s vital to keep your bank account thriving, yes?  Your reason also has to be BIGGER than the adrenaline “payoff” you’re getting.

To start shifting from burden to relief, schedule your Confidential Free Readiness Session with me at https://www.copingwithuncopeableparents.com/book-my-readiness-session/.

 

Brace for the Thanksgiving Madness

For Thanksgiving 2018, the American Automobile Association expects 54 million U.S. residents to travel at least 50 miles from home – the highest number since 2005.  While sometimes easier to push away Un-cope-able Parents’ and other aging relatives’ temper tantrums at summer’s sunny height, you’re about to be smacked with full-blown holiday madness.  In this first of two parts, let’s get ahead of the stressful curve.  Shall we?Read More

caregiver tribe

Who Is Part of Your Caregiver TRIBE?

Let’s start this week’s post by recapping where we’re at in the COMPLETE SUPPORT “Manifesto” I believe all caregivers of aging parents are entitled to.

We’ve already covered from the COMPLETE acronym the qualities of: Caring; Openness; Maturity; Partnership; Loyalty; Excellence.  We’re dealing today with “T” standing for Tribe.  Next week we’ll address Exacting – as in, demonstrating impeccable standards of precision.Read More